Every evening at 6:30, I leave the darkness of my room. I go to my windowpane and stare at Allen. His building is opposite mine, which means I can see him when he goes out and comes in. I also watch him every Wednesday morning when he goes to jog. He leaves his house at 7 am and gets back between 7:25 and 7:30 am. I love the way his muscles flex with beads of sweat dancing on his face while he runs in his sleeveless Versace t-shirt.

I am the apple of his eyes. I know this because every time he passes, he looks up at my window, knowing that I would be there and then he gives me a curvy smile; a smile that leaves my heart reeling.

I am a depressed 21 year old who hates to see the dawn of a new day. I am sure that natural disasters are better than I am. Nobody loves me.

They say God in heaven loves me. If he truly does, why does he make me see a new day? Why wouldn’t he take my life? I know peace comes in death. The world hates me.

But, I am confident of the love of Allen. He treasures me like diamonds. Our hearts beat as one and I am the reason he lives.

I look forward to the day we’ll finally say our first words to each other and share our first kiss.

The thought of Allen gives me hope. Sometimes I get so depressed, I start to cut myself with the sharpest knife in my kitchen drawer but then I remember that one-day Allen and I will be together and we will ride on the wings of the earth. And then I feel so much better like ice on a bruise.

Once Allen and myself are together, I would stop cutting myself because his love would fill my hunger and longing for pain.

Last week, Allen came home with a lady who had skinny legs, he took her into his house. I was so angry I promised never to talk to him or watch him again; but true love never dies.

For days I was lost in the stream of my thoughts, trying to decipher what I had done wrong that he would cheat on me. On the third day, the pieces came together like a puzzle. Allen wanted us to move to the next stage in our relationship, he was tired of the smiles and he wanted us to have our fist conversation; our first kiss, and our first touch.

I knew I had to make the next move; Allen could be so shy, real men could be shy.

I gave myself a three days beauty treatment before I chose to go see him. I had to look beautiful on our first kiss and touch.

Yesterday, I went to see him.

I was dressed in a white Givenchy knee length dress so I could look like a mini bride. I also had my knife in my purse; I was going to show it to Allen so he would understand me and love me with my weakness.

I pressed my fingers to his door bell. He opened the door; I could see surprise and love laced on his face.

‘Hi Allen’ I said grinning.

‘Hi” he replied, I heard surprise in his voice.

I stood at his door, waiting like a perfect lady for him to invite me in, he did.

“come on in’ he said smiling. My heart soared with that smile as I walked in.

‘Nice place’ I said looking around.

‘Oh! Thanks. Do you want something to drink?’

That question fueled my happiness; I had joy like a river. I was sure once again that Allen loved me. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t even let me into his house or ask me if I wanted something to drink.

‘Oh no I’m fine. Just come sit beside me so we can talk’ I said

‘I’ll just sit over here’ he replied. Sitting on the couch opposite mine.

I understood him; he didn’t want to seem too forward.

‘Okay’ I said smiling again. I couldn’t remember the  last time I had smiled that much in a day.

‘So what can I do for you?’ Allen asked

I giggled. I found it exciting that he wanted me to make all the moves.

‘You can do anything for me Allen’

I lifted myself off his couch and walked up to him, I bent looking like the number seven; I put my face close enough to his’ so I could feel his breath on me. I placed my hands on his face to feel its smoothness. I didn’t get enough chance to savor the moment. Allen jumped off the couch suddenly like a toad in a thunderstorm.

‘What are you doing? I don’t even know your name’ he said.

‘Oh baby…  I can’t believe you don’t know my name… with all the affection we share. But that’s fine– my name is Charlotte.’

‘What affection?’ he asked.

Allen’s attitude was beginning to piss me off; I was at the edge of my cliff. I knew women liked to play hard to get but I never knew the same for men. I guess I never got the memo.

‘What do you mean?’ I asked. ‘What about the smiles we share everyday? I know you love me Allen and I love you too, there is no need for us to hide it any longer.’

‘What are you talking about? I’m sorry dear if I passed the wrong messages with my smiles. I bear no kind of affection for you.’

I held my stomach, his words had hit me like a punch to my gut. I was enraged; I knew he was acting up because of the lady with skinny legs.

‘ You can’t leave me Allen’ I moved close to him and tried to touch him. He pushed me off

‘You need to leave now’ he said

I won’t live without you. I thought to myself.

I ran to my purse and grabbed my knife. Blinded by rage I began to punch him with the knife as I screamed. Then I noticed his body had gone limp; he had stopped moving.

‘Allen! Allen! Allen!’ I called him, he wouldn’t respond.

I accepted my fate then, he didn’t love me enough to stay. I went back to my apartment, shut my windows, curled into my dark world, and began to cut myself deeper than I used to.

By Oluwaseyi Oluyole @sunkit1 on twitter.